The Guilt

I have written before about my battles with weight loss and the effect that PCOS has on my trying to shed the pounds. But a year in to our fertility treatment, the stakes are higher, and so is the guilt.

If only I could lose weight, would we have gotten pregnant by now?…

If only I could lose weight, would we be in with a better chance of conceiving?…

If only I could lose weight, I would be eligible for IVF if the time comes…

This guilt comes only from myself. From the thoughts inside my head. John has been the most supportive, wonderful husband and friend through all we’ve been through so far, and I know that he doesn’t hold me responsible in any way for the situation we’re in.

But I battle with the ideas my own mind generates – that some of the blame should land at my door. Obviously I can’t be blamed for having a condition, nay, a syndrome, that I most likely inherited. But how I choose to live with that condition is very definitely up to me.

In order to lose weight, I need to go against most things my body is telling me it needs, and ignore my endocrine system. My head needs to rule.

Denying the flesh has never meant so much.

And it is hard. It is really hard.

Every time I eat something I know I shouldn’t, I need to remember that I am not only potentially delaying a baby for me, but also for us.

And it is hard. It is really hard.

But now I have a personal trainer…so move over Julia Roberts.

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