Uncertainty

So, we got to the early pregnancy clinic at 7.30am. We were the first there by a long shot. We just wanted answers. Is there anything left, with or without a heartbeat?

The clinic filled up fast, and we were the first to be seen.

The nurse did a pregnancy test, and before telling us the results, left the room for an eternity to go get a blood pressure monitor.

The trainee doctor who was sat in with us tried to make sympathetic conversation. She looked about 12. She was nice.

The nurse returned with the monitor and John had to ask her the pregnancy test results. She said it was positive, but it can take two weeks for pregnancy hormones to leave the system, so it wasn’t indicative of much.

We just wanted a scan. We wanted some confirmation that something, anything, was left in there. But then…

“We don’t usually scan people under 6 weeks. It’s just too early to see anything. You can talk to a junior doctor in a minute.”

I sobbed. I begged. I sobbed. John begged.

They won’t scan me. They won’t scan under 6 weeks.

They called the fertility clinic and Mr Walker our consultant will scan us on Friday at 11am. He will be better placed to know what to do next.

So we somehow have to get through the next few days.

I’m still getting moderate cramping, but the blood flow has slowed right down to almost nothing. I asked if the bleeding could have just stopped because of the fertility drugs I’m taking to support the pregnancy. She said yes that’s possible. She also said that as I’d described it, it didn’t sound good, but I probably knew that already, and especially as the clots were fairly big (TMI).

So yeah. God only knows how we’re going to cope till Friday. We’ve been inundated with support and love and prayers. Thank you all so much.

If you see me, I may want to talk about it – I’m an external processor. I may just want to cry. I might not want to do either. Just please ask me straight up what I want that day, in that moment. I don’t expect you to have words, or make it better.

Some times we just have to be God to each other, and it rarely requires words.