An early arrival…

Tomorrow is a week after embryo transfer. My pregnancy test date is next Thursday, 15th October.

Today I began bleeding.

It’s rather light at present, but I know from past experience that this is probably the end of this cycle. I’m cramping quite a bit too, which is another sign it’s more than just implantation bleeding.

I’m feeling really sad, disappointed, angry. And slightly relieved. I’d far rather it happen now than in 2 weeks’ time, after a positive pregnancy test.

I have to keep taking the drugs and do the test on the 15th regardless. So watch this space. But I won’t be pinning my hopes on it.

We have one embryo left in storage, and we’ll use it in the new year. After that, the future is uncertain. We both currently feel that we probably can’t go through this any more. But this may be subject to change (by the hour).

As silly as it sounds, the thing I feel most upset about at the moment is having to go back to work next year if we don’t have another child. I’m not ready to stop being a full time mum yet. But I need to keep reminding myself that I could go back to work in a good job, that I actually like. That is a possibility…

I know Toby will be fine as an only child, he’s just brilliant and kind and empathetic, and has enough friends’ babies around him to feel like a big brother a lot of the time.

And for us, we’re really enjoying this stage of childhood – 4 is just brilliant. Toby’s sense of humour now aligns well with John’s, and his inquisitive nature and his ability to learn and question is delighting both of us so much.

So I am definitely counting my blessings and breathing. I decided to trust God through this cycle. I had to figure out what that would look like. It definitely wasn’t “God, I’m trusting you this will work”. I think it was more “God, I’m trusting you that, whatever happens, you’ll help me get through this mentally and physically, whatever that looks like, whether through the love and support of others, or supernatural inner peace and strength”. So I’m breathing, I’m trusting, and I’m grateful for all that I have.

One such thing is Twinkles. “What is Twinkles?” I hear you cry. Twinkles is a toddler group I co-lead on a Wednesday morning in Bath. We’ve been running for a few years now, and have built up fantastic friendships with the ladies who come. True fact: my last 2 miscarriages and today’s bleeding all started on a Wednesday morning. Either just before or while I was at Twinkles. These mothers have held me and comforted me, looked after my son while I’ve had a little cry outside, cheered me on, made me (milky) tea, and just been generally all-round wonderful. They are my tribe. Thank you Twinkles mummies. You have helped me more than you’ll know. Xx

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